Trying to Understand
Exploring and learning about life

December 15 2022 Today is the one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer, my cancerversary. I guess I should be grateful that I am having a one year anniversary, and I am hoping for a second year. I thought I would look back at a post I did where I listed all the things I was going to do and see how that is going. This was early in my treatment, I think I had more hope and was less cynical. (Life Part 2) Here are a few, but not all, of the things I was going to cha

December 7 2022 What do you do when you find out your life will be shorter than you hoped? How do you keep going? You keep going because everyday is a gift and everyday living means one more day with all the people you love. You do it by remembering to be grateful for what you have had. You take one step, one breath at a time. I am trying to remember this quote from When Breath Becomes Air - "I began to realize that coming in such close contact with my own mortality has chang

November 27 2022 Usually when I sit down to write I have already prewritten most of what I plan to say in my head for a couple of days of thinking about it. Right now my head is so full of thoughts I cannot just streamline down my idea and get it started. It has been a long few weeks in which I have stuffed all the bad news and feels deep down and it is all just there with no place to go. A thing I have discovered is that when I start to cry it begins first in my throat and t

November 17 2022 This was supposed to be a post about clinical trials and the value of being a lab rat. The last couple weeks have not gone as planned and instead this is an update. I came in to the cancer cares unit last week with what we thought were clinical trial drug side effects, they admitted me to the hospital and I think we all thought a few days off the meds and I would be okay. The doctors ordered tests just to be safe, and a scan showed a small intestine blockage.

November 7 2022 These are lines from news articles of people who have died with a cancer diagnosis: “Olivia Newton John lost her battle to metastatic breast cancer” “Diahann Carroll, who was a successful singer and most beloved actress, lost her fight with cancer today” “Peter McNab has died at the age of 70, the network reported. McNab had been battling cancer over the last year." These people battled and lost. “Mimi Parker died Saturday, she had been living with ovarian can

October 26 2022 Sometimes pictures tell the story better than words. These two pictures encapsulate the cancer story for me. I have been so fortunate to have both the best doctors and the best family and friends - that is why every day I am getting better. Science worked my body over and love lifted me up. The photo of the many hospital bands tell part of the story - they love to tag people and then scan them like grocery items. These bracelets are only from hospital stays,

October 7 2022 I was at my second home UCHealth - thinking about doing a change of address with the post office. This week I had not one but three scans. That is my new world now that we are moving into the maintenance phase. Seems like a good time to discuss scanxiety. When I got my cat scan on Tuesday I was sitting in the little women’s waiting room in my giant blue scrubs and hospital gown - quite the look. There were 2 other women sitting there waiting as well. At first

September 26 2022 In remission, that means this nightmare is over and I can go back to normal. Wrong. As I am learning in my own situation and others, that remission mark is just one step toward getting back to normal. All of the side effects and other medical issues caused by the cancer and treatment still linger and must be addressed. This can be as stressful in some ways as the cancer treatment. For me that means getting my ureters rebuilt and getting rid of the nephrostom

September 9 2022 In December when I was diagnosed with cancer I really thought I would die from it. I have been carrying that around in my head all this time, this cancer is going to kill me. My short term goal was to live to see Anna graduate from high school, longer term to see her graduate from college. I’ve been thinking about needing to go through all my shit and get rid of massive amounts of stuff so Cherie wouldn’t be left to deal with that when I die. I was thinking

August 26 2022 I had an amazing bike ride yesterday - ten miles - a beautiful morning - short but long in coming. I felt like me for the first time in a long time. I rode and thought of nothing, I rode and cried about no first day of school, I rode and thought about how fortunate I am. I rode ten miles and it was amazing. Part of my ride was through the cemetery, that will put things into perspective. I am also very happy with bike jerseys with big pockets. I was worried abou