One Year

Today is the one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer, my cancerversary. I guess I should be grateful that I am having a one year anniversary, and I am hoping for a second year.

I thought I would look back at a post I did where I listed all the things I was going to do and see how that is going. This was early in my treatment, I think I had more hope and was less cynical. (Life Part 2)

Here are a few, but not all, of the things I was going to change and how I have done:

• First - be more profane - why the fuck not? - Nailed this one, definitely more profane, so much to be profane about! Peak profanity level was reached when I got that tube shoved up my nose and down my throat.

• Ride my bike like I am 10 again - for fun and exploration - I don’t need a fucking destination. - I wish this one had come true. The few times I have gotten out to ride it felt amazing and I really tried to not have a goal or destination other than the ride, but I could count on one hand the amount of time I have gotten to ride outside this year, that makes me profoundly sad.

• Love deeper and friend harder - be more to people. Show up. Open up. Be present. - Trying to do this one very much. A thing I have come to really appreciate is time with friends and family. People coming over to visit, going to book club, meeting people for coffee or breakfast, checking in through technology all are highlights for me. I don’t know how present I am, I try, depending on the day and how I feel, sometimes retreating feels better and easier. i certainly appreciate everyone in my life more.

• Take more naps, any time, any place. Naps are amazing. - WOW, I got this one down cold, especially recently, i just nod off all the time.I could probably turn nap pro. I don’t know if I think naps are amazing now, they seem more like one more sign of my body giving up. And yes I know my body needs to rest.

• Enjoy my fucking retirement - I earned it! But I know it is okay to work if I want to… Yeah, not really enjoying my retirement, I did not plan to retire to become a full time cancer patient, but I guess it is good that I don’t have to worry about when they schedule all my appointments and having energy to work.

• Do more art and be okay with imperfection. Do it, pencil to paper, brush to canvas - don’t be a critic. Not doing more art, two reasons, entropy and self doubt. I just can’t get started. Sometimes because of how I feel, sometimes because I have already decided it won’t be good or it isn’t really worth doing. I know I just need to do something and enjoy the process.

• Slow the fuck down - eat slower, stop and watch the birds, walk in my flower beds - just be. I have been forced to slow down. I do think I have spent more time noticing small things and being in awe of them - someones amazing Christmas lights, snow falling, the aroma of the tea I am not supposed to be drinking, being so lucky to have Cherie and Anna. I am trying to just notice the world more.

• Get more tattoos. Or not. But either way embrace this old body as is, scars, wrinkles, and tattoos will tell my story. That also means learning to love this new body - that is not going to be easy - Understatement that it will not be easy, it is fucking impossible. Don’t know if I will be able to get more tattoos, I want some though. Embracing this body is a rough one, it just keeps changing and it is not for the good - scars, nephrostomy tube, stint, ileostomy - I feel like I have aged 50 years this year and that a little more of me is taken away each time there is a new procedure.

• I will still have a problem with stupid people and will probably still mock them - I can’t change everything and stupid people annoy the crap out of me. Funny thing, I find stupid people less annoying, they have their own reason for their choices, not for me to judge. It also could be that I am not really around very many people anymore so I just haven’t encounter as many stupid people. I find I am most critical and hardest on myself. With others I have found patience and understanding, with myself not so much. I feel angry and frustrated with myself for just sitting around and napping and not doing. I know, I know, it is okay, the medications make you feel like that way, you're recovering from surgery, blah blah blah. All that doesn’t make me feel any better about wasting my life.

So would I add to my list?

• Be kinder to myself - I need to be less frustrated with my ability to not do things and be happier when I do anything, even if all it is is emptying the dishwasher or folding clothes or writing this blog. I should celebrate the little things I can do, and not get angry with myself for the big things.

• Accept help with grace - it is okay that I can’t do all the things and that I need support. I should not scurry up the ladder onto the roof. I should not worry about how long my appointments are taking and that it is wasting Cherie or whoever brings me to the appointments time. They wanted to bring me, it's okay. I need to be grateful for the help, and not angry that I can't do all the things.