Pulling it Together

Usually when I sit down to write I have already prewritten most of what I plan to say in my head for a couple of days of thinking about it. Right now my head is so full of thoughts I cannot just streamline down my idea and get it started. It has been a long few weeks in which I have stuffed all the bad news and feels deep down and it is all just there with no place to go.

A thing I have discovered is that when I start to cry it begins first in my throat and then moves to my abdomen before finally becoming tears. When I was in the hospital and miserable I could not cry because of the tube down my throat, the beginning of crying was too painful, like tiny razors in my throat, so I just pushed the sadness down and stopped the tears before they started. Then I had the surgery and got the tube out and really needed a good cry with the news I had received. Nope, having just had abdomen surgery made the tears again unable to flow as the pain was so intense as to make me see little sparkles, more stuffing of tears and feels.

I have, in no way, taken the time to process and understand what happened to my body during the 10 days I was in the hospital. I just can't seem to do it. The crying pain has been my excuse but I know I am avoiding thinking about what the news and surgery mean for me going forward. I find it is easier to just sit and stare out the window than examine my current moment or future state. I am at a point where I have not been before in this ugly year of cancer. I have, at least for a time, lost my hope. I don’t feel very strong or brave. And I feel really guilty about that. I have had many moments where I felt diminished by this cancer but now I feel like I am becoming a ghost of Paige, just a skeleton of who I was and I am struggling to see a way forward. When is enough enough? Or is it ever? Maybe there is never enough - maybe I need to just keep letting the doctors chip away at the cancer and in doing so chip away at me.

I write these blogs to mostly help me try to understand what is happening in my life and to clarify the thoughts and emotions for myself. I am writing now in hopes of clarity. I need less pity party and more kicking in the butt. Right now there always seems to be a yes but… that comes in my brain after a positive thought.

Learning to live with my PICC line and TPN 16 hours a day had a steep learning curve but I am dealing with it. The ileostomy bag is another story, not learning to deal with it yet, just finding all the ways it is keeping from what I used to do. I know I will get used to it too. I will heal and start to feel like going forward again but right now it is hard to see the light.

I am so fortunate for friends and family who have helped us out with our Amazon wish list and with all the good energy being sent my way. I am so lucky to have Cherie and Anna as my steady at home team. Having great medical care and insurance is also a plus. I have what I need to heal and move forward, I just need my brain to realize that and step up and move forward, again. I can and I will, but damn this time is hard. So hang in there as I work through some shit and feel a little dark right now - I’ll move forward, I have to. I have more cancer, I'll let the doctors deal with that. In the mean time I will learn to be okay with ileostomy and all that it brings with it. I got this.

Some random more cheery thoughts:

• Decided to name my stoma Mr. Sweet (Dr. Who fans will get this) because I am a nerd and because I have not got a great relationship with the little creepy thing yet.

• So happy we got the Christmas tree and the outside lights up, it makes me so happy. Now to decide on a new inflatable for the front yard, it seems like we are thinking of a Christmas frog or a Christmas llama, a very hard decision.

• I can eat all the ice cream and pudding I want, and I am already tired of that - is it weird that I just want to get a green pepper and eat it like an apple? Kid Paige would be disappointed in adult Paige.