Trying to Understand
Exploring and learning about life

Photos taken by me and and mostly Cherie August 19 2022 It started with a simple surgery and turned into a cancer diagnosis. I spent a lot of December in the hospital, learning to deal with bags and needles. Because of Covid, it was lonely, especially at night when I didn't know what would happen next. In January the real work began, what to do about this stage four serous uterine cancer. I feel so grateful that I got sent to UCHealth and Dr. Alldredge. Still have hair and l

August 4 2022 I know that all the multitude of people at UCHealth who have supported me will in all likelihood not read this but I need to acknowledge and thank them because they have made this not so great diagnosis better. I never realized just how many people it takes to care for one person. I don’t know most of the peoples’ names but I remember them all for what they have done. So thank you: I cannot remember all the nurses names I have had while in hospitals, just a few

July 11 2022 The last few months have been weird (understatement?), and so outside what my life usually looks like. six and a half months of surgery, chemo, radiation, and testing has consumed my life. My body has changed so much: new scars, nephrostomy tubes, port, pain, weight loss, hair loss - all of this has taken me out of my normal. Not stepping into the classroom everyday has also changed my normal. The first day of school is looming and this time I won’t be there. Way

June 25 2022 I was told early in my diagnosis that I would go through the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I am finding these stages don’t even begin to encompass how I am feeling and coping. Weirdly, I never went through denial at all, or maybe not weirdly I believe in science so I believed the doctors. I have run my own 6 month trial on feelings and coping. I only had an N of 1, I know, the sample size is a bit small but the data se

May 29 2022 I recently spent three days in the hospital for an infection. They don’t tell you another aspect of cancer is all the side illnesses and problems. I think if they had I would not have signed up for cancer. But this post is not about all that, it is about Agnes. I did not get a single room at the hotel hospital this time, I was put in a room with Agnes. Agnes had just had her foot amputated. The short version of her story is she was flying, was delirious, didn’t k

May 14 2022 I have been on medical leave pretty much since December and it will run through the end of the school year, then I am retired. 32 plus years of teaching and it is over. I went to school a few days ago to get my stuff. I don’t know what my schedule will look like for the next few weeks so it was something I needed to do. I went after school so I wouldn’t have to see kids or many people. I got there at about 3:00, and someone was parked in my parking space. I knew

May 9 2022 I love playing games. I always have. I have very seldom had anyone to play with. Even as a kid I would get an occasionally complex little game and just play it alone. I also really like reading game direction booklets. When I open a box and see a thick game book, I do a little happy dance. A well written game manual is to be savored. Between the pandemic and my cancer diagnosis I have had a lot of time to play solo games. I love that now so many games come with a s

April 28 2022 Looking at my own mortality has been a ride I’d rather not have taken. But I did and I am. So it feels like I am looking at Paige’s Life - Part Two. I have been thinking, probably way too much, about what that will look like. This is my thinking - all thinking is subject to change - I can do whatever I want this time around! First - be more profane - why the fuck not? Write more. But. Screw. Conventions. Use more bullets when I write. And hyphens instead of com

April 21 2022 As a person with cancer I hate these things, that doesn’t mean others do but maybe think before you speak to someone with cancer, even when you think you are being kind it might not be the right thing to say. Feel free to only only read the bold Tl;dr Cancer did not make me stupid. I do get chemo brain, which makes word recall hard but I am not stupid now. So don’t ask me if I took my medication. Don’t ask me if I have asked my doctor about something. Yes, I too

April 13 2022 I was recently diagnosed with cancer. It was found during a surgery for something else. I quickly had a second surgery to remove the cancer and it turned out it was more widespread and could not be removed. So in 3 weeks I had 2 surgeries where nothing could be done, all I got was a cancer diagnosis. This was a lot to process in a short amount of time. I had my first appointment with my oncologist shortly after these surgeries to find out what kind of cancer it