Creating a new normal and figuring out who I am

The last few months have been weird (understatement?), and so outside what my life usually looks like. six and a half months of surgery, chemo, radiation, and testing has consumed my life. My body has changed so much: new scars, nephrostomy tubes, port, pain, weight loss, hair loss - all of this has taken me out of my normal. Not stepping into the classroom everyday has also changed my normal. The first day of school is looming and this time I won’t be there. Way too many things are fucking with my normal.

The question becomes, how do I create my new normal. A normal that has me still in the midst of my cancer treatment, but done with chemo for a while. A normal with no job, a normal with a body that is not what it was a few months ago.

I am struggling to find who I am at this moment. A great example is riding my bike. Last month I got to start riding outside again. The first day I went out I did 3.5 miles and the second day I did 4.5 miles. I was so excited to be on my bike that the distance was unimportant. But when I went for my 3rd ride, in full bike gear, my body failed my mind. I planned to hit at least 10 miles and get some speed going. At 7.5 miles I was in full bonk mode and thought I would have to get off my bike and walk the rest of the way home. That is my new normal right now and I am having a hell of a time being okay with it. A short ride for me used to be 20 miles. To add to my frustration everytime I start to get my energy back and feel like I can bike, something happens and I take giant steps backwards.

That struggle on the bike is a metaphor for all the struggles I am having. My mind wants to go and my body just can’t. I can’t spend all day working in the yard, 20 minutes and I need a rest. I know my body will heal and I will get stronger and have more stamina, I shouldn’t whine about it but it seems like that day is so far away. I think I will whine though.

My new normal has also changed in that if you ask me about myself, a defining feature of me is that I am a teacher. Now I am not. I am not sure who that makes me now. I know I am a mom, partner, daughter, and sister. All of those roles are incredibly important but I have defined myself as a teacher for so long and it has been such a huge part of my life it has left a hole that is 32 years big.

Cancer and retirement are both big life events and happening at the same time sucks. It has very much messed with my head. I hope I can define myself, this new Paige. Right now in this moment I am trying to see past all my new deficits and discover that new me. Really all I want to do is go for a long morning ride, that would be a great start reconnecting with myself.

(Good news - I am getting my hair back - having eyebrows has really lifted my spirits.)